By the time we hit midlife, the fizz and excitement of your relationship has often long left the building, traded in for a sense of comfort and familiarity.
While it’s standard order that romantic dinners and pillow talk start being replaced with HRT patches, getting a good night’s sleep and asking ‘who put the bins out?’, there is a danger you could get stuck in a rut.
So, how do you prevent this from happening, and make sure you have a long and importantly, happy relationship? Therapist and relationship coach Susie Masterson, founder of Ultra Living, shares her five top tips on what we need to stop saying to our partners in order to keep the love alive.
1. Quit yes/no questions
“One of the first things we learn in our therapeutic training is to ask open questions: what, when, how, who. These questions are consultative and express interest and curiosity.
“They open up conversations precisely because you cannot answer with yes/no. That said,, asking ‘why’ can sound accusatory orinterrogative. So, I always recommend trying to keep ‘why’ out of relationship conversations.”
2. Don’t be accusatory
© Getty Images“This is really important in any relationship, but particularly in a romantic relationship.
“Starting conversations with ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’ demonstrates a level of accountability and personal responsibility. It communicates ‘this is my point of view.’
“If we use the word ‘you’, such as ‘you make me feel’, it can also sound accusatory and is often inflammatory, making the person you are speaking feel defensive.”
3. Don’t ignore terms of communication
“Understanding our triggers and tolerances in a relationship is crucial. For example, some couples have no problem with raised voices, but can’t abide silence, so agreeing on the ‘terms of communication’ can be helpful.
4. Don’t rely on date nights
“Whilst regular date nights are a nice way to stay connected, they can often mask deeper issues within the relationship. Instead, aim for regular check-ins – asking our partner how they are and what’s going on for them – can help keep the connection going even in stressful times.”
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5. Don’t neglect your own space
“Boundaries are crucial in relationships. As much as my work as a couples therapist and relationship coach is focused on ‘the relationship’, there also needs to be space for the individual. Successful relationships are predicated on a combination of shared pursuits and separate hobbies and interests. Being able to celebrate differences in relationships is a sign of respect and commitment.”
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