9 phrases to ditch if you want to be a better listener, according to a relationship expert

Being a good listener is a dying art that takes years to perfect. It’s not just about staying silent while the other person talks, but rather involves being empathetic and present in the moment, something which can be hard to do in our modern world.  

According to relationship expert Farley Ledgerwood, the majority of us are guilty of using certain phrases that derail the conversation, rather than allowing the other person to feel understood and appreciated. 

Join HELLO! as we explore the nine phrases that we need to ditch to become supportive and helpful listeners. 

1. “That reminds me of when I…”

This is a textbook phrase used to unintentionally shift the spotlight from the speaker to the listener, effectively derailing the conversation altogether. 

While you might think you’re offering empathy and understanding in the moment, it likely comes across as self-centered and irritating to the other person. 

2. “Let me tell you what happened to me”

In the same vein, this phrase shifts the focus from the speaker’s problems to the listener, switching the dynamic and taking time away from the conversation. 

It’s best to let them continue speaking until they ask for your input. 

3. “I’m just being honest”

While honesty is important, it can sometimes be hurtful or unnecessary in the moment. Oftentimes, people simply want someone to hear what they’re saying without any judgment or solutions given, just to get it off their chest. 

Brutal honesty can come across as dismissive of their problems, too. Instead, gently offer your perspective on the topic, and only share your honest opinion if they directly request it.  

4. “I would never do that”

Again, this one comes down to the speaker feeling judged for their actions or emotions. It also places the listener on a pedestal, and can read like they’re morally superior to the speaker. 

Try not to inject your own opinion into the conversation; instead ask them how they felt about the decision or feeling, and what they plan to do about it. 

5. “I’ve been so busy”

It’s a classic phrase that we are all guilty of saying, and can make the speaker feel dismissed or alone. Suggesting that you are busier than they are creates more distance and reads like they are not important enough to receive your undivided attention. 

Instead, try to respond to their efforts to talk to you, even if it’s just a short message, and follow up with a full response when you have more time to commit to the conversation. 

6. “I already knew that”

This comment can come across as belittling, implying that you are smarter than the speaker. It could cause them to become closed off and to feel unsupported by you. 

Even if you’ve heard the information before, engage with them in the conversation and validate it to encourage them to open up further. 

7. “You should have asked me first”

This phrase can make the speaker feel like a child being scolded, a feeling which does not go hand-in-hand with a supportive and open environment. It can be perceived as a critical comment, even if you meant well by it. 

Instead, offer to help them in the future and reiterate that you are there to listen when they need support.  

8. “That doesn’t affect me”

Saying this to someone who is sharing personal feelings or details about their life can appear cold and uncaring. Even if the topic doesn’t affect you, it’s important to be empathetic and try to put yourself in their shoes. 

Instead, you can ask them to explain it to you further, so that you can get a better grasp on the topic and understand their feelings more thoroughly.  

9. “You always make it about you” 

This might be the worst phrase on the list, as it can seem like an accusation to the speaker. It steers the conversation away from openness and empathy to a place of blame, making the speaker feel unsupported and judged. 

It also shifts the spotlight from the speaker to the listener, which is not ideal when they are seeking support and understanding.