A person’s sleep schedule can be sacred. Their wind-down time, nightly routine and habits to ensure they get a good night’s rest are fundamental to their wellbeing, and so when it falls out of sync with a significant other, it can naturally have an impact. Licensed relationship experts have said that a nightly routine can make a world of difference when it comes to ensuring intimacy and overall well-being in a relationship. But, according to their research, many couples fall into a dangerous territory where their habits are “sabotaging” their love life.
The experts were keen to stress an awareness of how our busy lives undoubtedly have an impact on how people spend the late hours of every day and that, realistically, the ideal synchronised routine isn’t possible, particularly when children are in the mix. However, they also state that a little goes a long way in making sure this one habit doesn’t negatively impact the overall relationship.
The ‘hidden’ habit sabotaging your relationship
Relationship expert Emily Conway, CEO of DragonToys, a London-based company specialising in adult wellness products, says the habit might be hiding in plain sight: right in your bedroom routine. “I see couples struggling with intimacy issues, and it often comes down to patterns they don’t even realise they’ve fallen into,” she explains. “One of the most damaging habits I encounter is when partners consistently go to bed at completely different times.
“It’s not about the occasional late night at work or staying up to finish a film. I’m talking about couples who have developed completely separate bedtime routines where one partner is asleep hours before the other even thinks about heading upstairs.” This pattern creates what relationship psychologists call an ‘intimacy drift’, which is a gradual disconnection that happens so slowly, couples often don’t notice until the damage is “significant”.
© Getty ImagesWhy it matters and what to do about it
According to Emily, while it might sound trivial, these precious moments can add up to more meaningful connections. “When you’re consistently missing those end-of-day moments together, you’re losing out on natural intimacy builders. It’s during these quiet times that couples often share their deepest thoughts, work through daily stresses, and maintain that physical connection that keeps relationships strong.”
Agreeing with the sentiment is Sofie Roos, a licensed relationship therapist and sexual health expert at Passionerad. Sofie notes that it’s not all doom and gloom, but a little can go a long way. “Not going to bed at the same time doesn’t mean that your relationship can’t be any good,” she assures, “But doing so leads to many everyday moments of intimacy that strengthen your relationship. If you never go to bed or get up at the same time, it leads to fewer shared everyday moments, and it’s in these small moments that love lives strongest, so you really miss out on something.”
© Oleg BreslavtsevSo what do couples do about it? As mentioned, many things in our hectic lives, like full-time careers, children, household tasks and keeping on top of our health, can often feel like a growing mountain to climb every day. The experts say to start small. “My first advice is to decide on one or two evenings a week when you go to bed at the same time. Small changes can make a big difference! Remember, it doesn’t necessarily have to be about when you sleep that matters. The one wanting to stay up later can still snuggle up with their early bird partner and spend some time by their side, even though it doesn’t mean that you stay and fall asleep. Just lie there and read a book or talk for a while, and then go back up again a little later when you’re ready to sleep.”
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