When it comes to maintaining a healthy long-term relationship, setting emotional boundaries could be the key, according to a psychotherapist. If you have a partner, you may already have boundaries in place as an unspoken agreement, but sitting down to discuss these clearly could be the key to maintaining a healthy, happy and respectful relationship over time.
From having your own space within the relationship to having an agreed way of tackling conflict, Dr. Alina Kastner, a psychotherapist and author of Break Up with Narcissism, told HELLO! her suggestions for boundaries to consider putting in place in your relationship – without starting a fight!
Why it is important to have boundaries in long-term relationships
“It is important to have boundaries in long-term relationships, as this is the only way to keep two separate beings separate. Merging with your significant other is beautiful when it comes to sex, emotions and free time, but in order to stay healthy, you need to have ‘your own self’ too, which means healthy separation,” Dr. Kastner says.
“Keeping your hobbies, your friends, and your family close to your heart is equally important because it protects your identity. Good boundaries don’t create distance between lovers, but rather desire. In the long run, they prevent resentment. They help you stay connected without losing yourself.”
Boundaries you may implement
The psychotherapist suggests some simple boundaries that may work in the majority of relationships, such as making sure you maintain your own life and friendships away from your partner.
“Boundaries could be keeping your sports hobby (such as the gym) to yourself, or keeping a once-a-month girls’/boys’ night active. Why? It keeps your life fulfilling even without your partner, so you don’t become emotionally dependent on one person to meet every need,” the expert explains.
“It also gives you fresh input from outside to spice up conversations with your lover. More examples of boundaries could be no phone time during dinner, not sharing passwords, or safe words for fights (that I love implementing in my couples therapy!).”
How to discuss them with your partner
Establishing boundaries doesn’t have to be a big deal, and should be a fairly straightforward conversation if you are in a healthy relationship, as Dr. Kastner explains: “Ideally, all you have to do is state them and tell your partner why you feel that they are important to you. If you are in a healthy relationship, boundaries will be respected without any confrontation. Do it with ‘I messages’ so that your partner doesn’t get offended if it is something that could potentially lead to conflict, such as: ‘I’m happy to see your mother, but once a month works best for me. Weekly feels too much.'”
What to do if boundaries are crossed
In an ideal relationship, boundaries established between you and your partner won’t be crossed, but the psychotherapist also suggested how to handle it if, for any reason, they are. “If boundaries are crossed, look for conversation, talk to your partner, and let them know calmly. Explain why you are uncomfortable and ask them to consider,” she tells us. “Be firm if you don’t want them crossed again. If boundaries are crossed repeatedly, it is a red flag and a pattern. If it continues, it is worth seeking a couples therapist.”
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