Dear Mariella, Since our divorce, my relationship with my ex-husband’s huge family has collapsed. They blame me for his affair! He is taking our two children to a big family lunch to which I’m not invited, leaving me alone, sad, and worried about the effect on the kids.
Mariella says: There are few of life’s challenges that require us to grow up faster than divorce or separation. When things go catastrophically wrong in a marriage it’s all too easy to get stuck in a cycle of irrational vengeful behaviour, recrimination and blame. It may feel like the entire foundations of your life are crumbling to dust.
So many people have opinions and make it their business to get involved. Never is that truer than with in-laws! We joke about them being tricky, but this often precarious relationship can become positively toxic should ‘one big happy family’ become two warring tribes. Taking sides when a partnership collapses is all too common but only adds to the cycle of blame.
You know the real story!
Try to separate their narrative from reality. You know what happened and what the truth is. I’d say that it’s unlikely he’s given them all the facts. You cannot do so – let’s face it! A he-said/she-said situation? With your mother-in-law? Definitely not!
Accept that they are trying to protect their son and protect themselves. It’s far easier to blame you, as a sort of emotional defence mechanism. That way they can maintain a good relationship with him.
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Don’t upset the children
Whatever they say about you – and let’s face it – it’s probably not great, it’s vital that this isn’t repeated in the vicinity of your children. It’s unfair and it will confuse them. I think it’s entirely appropriate to calmly speak with your ex-husband about this, reminding that the last thing either of you wishes to do is hurt your offspring. Don’t forget that kids always blame themselves.
Be the grown-up
Be as calm, loving and unaffected as possible by any poor behaviour on the part of your ex-husband’s family. You might be tempted to retaliate to criticisms. Don’t. Be the better person. Tap dance on the moral high ground. Your kids will thank you later, and – by the way – they will remember who behaved well.
Protect yourself
All this said, it’s flipping hard for you to feel maligned. Unfair as it may be, don’t think of yourself as a victim. Rewrite YOUR narrative – you aren’t with the cheating rotter anymore, you are loved by your kids, your family and friends, and there’s a bright, cheat-free future ahead. I imagine you’ve already had to be brave to get through a divorce. Dig deep again and discover the delicious taste of righteousness.
Take action
Rather than sitting home alone and grieving your change of circumstances, enjoy the kid-free time. Look after yourself and enjoy the relative freedom. Plan something fun for the weekend – see your family (if they’re going to be nice to you), godchildren, friends, book a massage or a treat. If you’re ready, take the plunge and go on a date.
Tell your friends (or a counsellor) how you feel – and let it all out. Eat delicious food. Watch heartwarming or revenge films. Maybe it’s time to revisit Basic Instinct. Sometimes a deep dive into your own circumstances can be cathartic. And then there’s chocolate…not great for the waistline but jolly comforting!
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